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Too much focus on calming children down
Emotional regulation in the early years is often viewed through the lens of keeping children calm. While calmness has its place, it is just one small part of the full emotional spectrum. The work that I do through the Behaviour Balance System™ approach (TBBS) fosters emotional regulation skill development rather than calm and compliance. To truly support young children, we must provide them with opportunities to experience, process, and regulate emotions in a safe and developmentally appropriate environment.
Emotional regulation in early years
Emotional regulation comes in 3 main forms. As educators and parents/carers, we have the power to support children through the emotional regulation journey and teach them the skills they need in order to self-regulate in the most useful of ways.
- Coregulation – When an early years practitioner or caregiver supports a child in managing their emotions by offering guidance, reassurance, and modelling of emotional stability.
- Shared regulation – When a group of children or a child and adult regulate together, building emotional skills through social interaction and play-based experiences.
- Self-regulation – When a child begins to independently manage their emotions, using strategies they have internalised through previous support and practice.
Each of these processes plays a vital role in helping young children navigate their emotions, allowing them to develop emotional literacy, resilience, and self-awareness, as outlined in the EYFS framework.
Moving beyond calm: The full emotional diet
Just as children need a varied and balanced diet for physical health, they need experience with a range of emotions to develop emotional fitness. If we focus only on calm, we risk limiting their ability to understand and manage different feelings and their intensities. Children in the early years must be supported as they experience joy, frustration, excitement, disappointment, and more – all within the safety of a safe environment. To build this emotional fitness, we need to provide young children with opportunities to practice regulating their emotions through play, social interactions, and responsive caregiving, rather than simply expecting them to suppress emotions in the name of calm and compliance. Emotional regulation is a skill that develops gradually with consistent support and practice, which is why we need to allow children to utilise and tap into every emotion.
Useful, unuseful, and unsafe behaviour
Rather than categorising young children’s actions as “good” or “bad,” we can reframe behaviour into three categories:
- Useful behaviour – Actions that help children move towards their goals. This includes cooperation, problem-solving, and persistence.
- Unuseful behaviour – Actions that keep children stuck or move them away from their goals. Examples include withdrawal, avoidance, or repetitive patterns that do not serve them in their learning and development.
- Unsafe behaviour – Actions that pose a risk to the child or others. These require immediate intervention to ensure safety before addressing the underlying emotions driving the behaviour.
By using this TBBS framework, we focus on what the child needs, rather than what adults want, ensuring that interventions are child-centred, developmentally appropriate, and aligned with the principles of the EYFS.
Finding emotional balance
In early years it can feel hard to find balance, especially as children often ‘set each other off’ as they become dysregulated, this is due to the ‘contagion’ of emotion. But not all dysregulation requires the same response. To help children build emotional resilience, we must support both up-regulation (intensifying emotional experiences) and down-regulation (calming emotional experiences).
Up-regulation
This helps children amplify emotions when they feel disengaged, lethargic, or stuck in apathy.
Some strategies for this are:
- Engaging in stimulating activities such as dancing, running, or playing music.
- Encouraging positive focus by discussing exciting events or setting motivating goals.
- Using storytelling, sensory play, and imaginative role-play to evoke energy and enthusiasm.
Down-regulation
This helps children calm down when emotions become overwhelming. Some strategies for this are:
- Deep breathing exercises, mindfulness, and guided relaxation activities tailored for young children.
- Engaging in quiet activities like reading, sensory play, or spending time in a cosy corner.
- Reframing behaviour or situations in a way that helps the child feel more in control.
Both up- and down-regulation are essential skills that help children build a healthy emotional range and resilience in their early years.
Creating an environment for emotional growth
To foster emotional regulation, we must create early years environments where children feel safe to explore their feelings. This includes both environmental input as well as social and emotional:
- Encouraging open conversations about emotions and normalising all feelings through stories, role play, and expressive arts.
- Providing physical spaces that allow both active movement and quiet retreat, such as outdoor areas and designated balance zone.
- Using play as a medium for children to practice regulating emotions in a natural, engaging, and developmentally appropriate way.
It also includes having emotionally regulated and available adults. By far the most difficult to implement! That said, it is also the most important. The more emotionally literate, regulated and available we are as grown-ups, the more our children receive clear modelling and teaching.
Emotional regulation for life: A Foundation for learning
Every behaviour is fuelled by emotion or sensation, or a combination of both. By helping young children understand and regulate these experiences, we empower them to build strong emotional foundations that will support them throughout life. Our goal is not just to keep children calm but to equip them with the tools they need to navigate their full emotional world with confidence, resilience, and a sense of security.
Key takeaways
- Children need more than calm – Emotional regulation should not be limited to calming children. Instead, children benefit from experiencing, expressing, and learning to manage a full range of emotions within safe, responsive environments.
- Regulation is a developmental process – Emotional regulation develops through stages: coregulation, shared regulation, and eventually self-regulation. Each stage requires adult support, modelling, and opportunities for practice through play and relationships.
- Reframing behaviour supports understanding – Labelling behaviour as ‘useful,’ ‘unuseful,’ or ‘unsafe’ encourages a more nuanced, child-centred approach. This supports emotional development while moving away from punitive or compliance-based models.
- Balanced emotional development builds resilience – Both up-regulation and down-regulation strategies are essential in supporting children’s emotional wellbeing. Environments that support movement, rest and recalibration, expression, and connection help children develop lifelong emotional resilience.
Critical considerations
- Are we prioritising calm over connection?
In moments of emotional intensity, are we aiming to truly support children’s emotional needs – or simply to restore order? - How emotionally available are we as adults?
What strategies do we have in place to support our own emotional regulation, so that we can model and guide children effectively? - Do our environments reflect emotional balance?
Do the spaces we offer children allow for both energetic expression and quiet retreat? How might we adapt them to better support up- and down-regulation? - How do we talk about behaviour?
Are we unintentionally labelling emotions and behaviours as ‘good’ or ‘bad’? How might shifting to a needs-based, developmental view change our responses?
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