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Words shape a child’s world
We all want the children in our lives to thrive – to grow up healthy, reach their potential, and follow their dreams. But have you ever stopped to think about how the words we use shape their confidence and future?
Think back to your own childhood. Can you recall the words spoken to you by the adults in your life? Were they words of encouragement that lifted you up? Or were they harsh, critical, or dismissive words that left lasting scars and you still think about them today?
A child’s self-perception is shaped by the opinions of their parents, caregivers, teachers, and other authority figures around them. To a child, what an adult says feels like the absolute truth. Words matter. They stick. They last a lifetime. They shape who we are and who we become.
Professor Peter Fonagy, head of the division of Psychology and Language Sciences at University College London, put it powerfully:
“Words create images in our minds, for good or ill, which shape our experience of reality. Bad words create oppressive and destructive images, which we may spend a lifetime struggling to free ourselves from. Would it not be better if language that was disrespectful, punitive, shaming and destructive to the person would simply not be used in the first place?” (Fonagy, 2023).
The hidden impact of harsh language
Today a shocking 2 in 5 (41%) children experience harmful verbal abuse from adults and of these, over half experience it weekly and one in 10 daily (Family, Kids & Youth, 2023). This includes blaming, insulting, belittling, intimidating, and name-calling. It isn’t just about shouting and screaming – verbal abuse can also be quiet and subtle. Tone, volume, or facial expressions all play a part.
Verbal abuse is a form of emotional or psychological abuse, often used to exert power and control. While it may be unintentional, the effects on a child can be profound and long-lasting, leading to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, substance abuse, self-harm and suicidal thoughts and behaviours. Extensive research has revealed that childhood verbal abuse can be as damaging as physical and sexual abuse.
This is why we all share a responsibility to protect children from harmful language and instead use words that help them flourish.
How adults can help build children’s confidence and shape their future
Childhood is a crucial time for brain development, shaped by the relationships a child experiences. Warm, encouraging words and secure, stable connections create the foundations children need to grow and bloom. Every interaction is an opportunity to nurture a child’s confidence and self-belief. As adults, we play a vital role in their future by using words that inspire and support them.
Our research with children at Words Matter confirms the incredible power of positive reinforcement. The five most encouraging phrases children reported as making them feel good about themselves are:
- “I am proud of you.”
- “You can do it.”
- “I believe in you.”
- “I’m here for you.”
- “It’s OK to make mistakes, you can learn from them.”
Nearly two-thirds of children said these words made them feel happy, confident, and valued.
Jessica Narowlanksy, psychotherapist and specialist education consultant working with children, adolescents, families and schools, and founder of the Child and Adolescent Development Centre says:
“The words our carers and authority figures say to us shape the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and what we are worth. As significant as actions, words create the foundation upon which we stand in life – they craft the very essence of our emotional DNA,” (Narowlansky, 2023).
Five ways to talk to children so they can thrive
At Words Matter, our approach is built on the belief that when people know better, they can do better. We are committed to helping parents, carers, teachers, and all adults who interact with children understand the power of their words. We all get overloaded sometimes and say things we later regret, but we can break the cycle.
Here are five simple but powerful ways to help a child through the use of language:
- Be a role model
Children learn by example. Speak to them with kindness and respect. Avoid dismissive, belittling, or hurtful language. Give them your full attention and listen when they speak. By showing confidence in them, you in turn help them to develop confidence. If you respect them, they will respect themselves and others.
- Set clear expectations
Children want to do well. When giving instructions, use clear, age-appropriate language. Avoid shouting, insults, or threats, which can make them feel insecure. Setting clear, supportive expectations helps them understand their abilities and feel capable.
- Focus on positives
Praise children often and be specific about what they’ve done well. Instead of criticising them as a person, address behaviours constructively. Positive reinforcement nurtures self-esteem and encourages them to believe in their potential.
- Stop, breathe, think, speak
When you’re feeling stressed or angry, pause before speaking. Take a deep breath and consider how your words will impact the child. Your body language matters too – get down to their level for more effective communication. A calm approach builds a sense of safety and trust.
- Repair
It is never too late to put things right. If you recognise that you have said something hurtful, apologise, say sorry, and talk it through. Encourage children to talk about how they are feeling and make a fresh start together. Learning how to repair relationships teaches resilience and emotional intelligence
Words Matter
At Words Matter, we are committed to creating societal and behavioural change by addressing and ending childhood verbal abuse. We know that most adults don’t intend to harm children with their words – but many underestimate the lasting impact they can have. Help us inspire action and make a difference to children’s lives today and for years to come. Visit www.wordsmatter.org for support, guidance, and resources to help create a world where children hear the words that build them up – not knock them down.
Key takeaways
- Words matter – they shape a child’s confidence and future.
- Be a role model – your words influence how children see themselves.
- Set clear expectations – communicate with kindness and clarity that is age appropriate.
- Encourage and praise – focus on positives to help children thrive and avoid criticising them as a person.
- Pause before speaking – we all get overloaded; stress and anger can lead to unintended harm.
- Repair relationships – apologising and making amends teaches valuable life lessons.
- Empower children – your belief in them helps them to believe in themselves.
Critical considerations
- How do the words I use—especially in moments of stress—affect a child’s self-image and emotional safety?
Reflect on whether your language uplifts or undermines children, even unintentionally. - Am I modelling respectful, affirming communication in my everyday interactions with children and other adults?
Consider how consistently your words reflect the values of empathy, dignity and care. - Do I recognise and repair when my language may have caused harm?
Think about how open you are to apologising and rebuilding trust through honest conversations. - In what ways do I reinforce a child’s strengths rather than focusing on their mistakes?
Explore how your feedback could be reframed to nurture self-worth and resilience. - How can I make space for children’s voices and validate their feelings through my language?
Consider how your responses foster a sense of belonging, safety and empowerment.
References and further reading
Fonagy, P. (2023). Words Matter quote https://wordsmatter.org
Narowlansky, J. (2023). Words Matter quote https://wordsmatter.org/find-help/resources/
Kids & Youth (FK&Y) (2023). Research among children was undertaken by Family, Kids & Youth (FK&Y), led by Dr Barbie Clarke between 1 June and 20 June 2023. 1,166 responses were received (children aged 11–17 years), with 53% (n=619) boys and 47% (n=543) girls, with good representation across all age groups and UK regions.
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