The states we live in: An invitation to explore burnout

Look at the state of you…

We’ve all heard the phrase, usually said with a sigh or a roll of the eyes: “Look at the state of you.”

It’s rarely a compliment, often, it’s a throwaway remark about dishevelled hair, a crumpled shirt, or the tiredness written across our faces. But what if, instead of being an insult, it became an invitation? A compassionate call to pause, to notice what state we’re really in.

Because beneath our outward appearance, there’s always an inner scene quietly shaping the way we show up in the world. That scene is our nervous system, and learning to understand it, to take care of it, can transform not just how we experience our own lives, but how we connect with others.

The ‘states’ we live in

So much of who we are, and how we move through the world, is quietly shaped by something we rarely give notice to, our nervous system. It hums beneath the surface of every moment, guiding our responses long before our conscious mind has time to catch up. We may believe we are making decisions purely through thought, but instead it is the state of our nervous system that is steering the way.

I like to think of it as a silent super sleuth, constantly scanning, asking three simple but powerful questions:

• Am I safe?
• Am I in danger?
• Do I need to protect myself?

The answers determine where we land, which “state” we inhabit, and those states are not abstract, they affect everything: the way we think, speak, care for others, the way we feel and care about ourselves. Logic doesn’t play a part, which is why, sometimes, our reactions might not match our reasoning.

For those of you in early years education, this may sound familiar. You already know how a child’s state influences their ability to learn, to play, to connect. You work tirelessly to create environments that soothe, that regulate, that invite safety.
But here’s the part that is often missed: the same is true for us, the adults. The same nervous system that governs a child’s sense of safety governs ours and unless we notice it, tend to it, we risk carrying states that exhaust us, distance us from one another, and drain the very connection we seek.

So let us pause here and gently meet these states.

• Ventral vagal – the regulated state. This is the place of safety and connection, here, curiosity lives and compassion flows. It’s the state where we feel most human, most at home in ourselves.
• Sympathetic – the mobilised state. This is our body preparing to act (think fight/flight/fawn). The heart beats faster, thoughts become narrower, energy rises as if to say: move, protect, survive.
• Dorsal vagal – the shut-down state. This is the place of retreat, when the world feels too much. Energy falls away, we disconnect, we go numb, where we want to shut off from the world, think freeze.

We move between these states all the time, sometimes we are a blend of two, and they’re not always negative. Yet these quiet shifts shape everything: the way we speak to our children, the tone we take with colleagues, the patience we have for ourselves at the end of a long day, we don’t even realise what is happening to us.

Everyday stressors, everyday states

So, if our daily experiences, like rushing, emails, or unexpected demands at work and home, are shifting us between nervous system states, there’s a hidden cost. The more we ignore it, the more visible it becomes.

Take a typical morning. You’re woken by a message pinging telling you someone’s off sick, adrenaline spikes as you rush to get ready; say “hello sympathetic state”. You drop your coffee, mutter under your breath, feel your chest tighten, and by the time you arrive at work, your body is already humming with survival energy.

Then your colleague greets you warmly, asks how you are, and for a moment you laugh together. Ventral vagal returns, you feel human again.

Later, an unexpected email drops into your inbox: “We need to talk.” Your stomach sinks. Dorsal vagal whispers that it might all be too much, and you find yourself just sitting there, staring at the screen, frozen. You know what you need to do, so why can’t you just do it?

None of this is unusual, we are living variants of it daily, but without awareness, we end up carried along, reacting instead of responding, and exhausted.

The cost of not noticing

We’ve been encouraged to live as though our nervous systems don’t exist. We push through, overriding signals of exhaustion or anxiety, telling ourselves to “just get on with it.” Rewarded for it, even proud of ourselves for doing so.

But ignoring how we really feel takes a toll. It shows up as overwhelm, burnout, irritability, aches & pains, disconnection, or that deep, hard-to-name fatigue that no amount of sleep seems to fix. It strains relationships, snapping at loved ones, misreading colleagues, withdrawing from friends.

And perhaps most importantly, it distances us from ourselves. We forget to ask: What do I need? What’s happening in my body right now? We lose our relationship with oneself.

Befriending the nervous system

I’d like to encourage you to think of your nervous system as something you can make friends with. Like a friend, you take notice, you listen and offer kindness and  presence.

When we begin to pay attention, we start to understand its signals, recognising familiar sensations, patterns. We can catch the flutter of anxiety before it builds or sense the heaviness before it pulls us into shutdown. Just as importantly, we notice the small moments of safety and connection, the glimmers of calm, and we can learn to choose to invite more of those into our day. It’s everything you’d do for a friend. Of all the relationships our states influence, none is more important than the one we have with ourselves. Self-awareness is not self-indulgence.

When we learn to notice our own states with compassion rather than criticism, we change the script. Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” we begin to ask “What’s happening for me?” I call it self-care in motion, meeting yourself right where you are, in that very moment; this is a significant act of self-kindness.

Why it matters for leaders

If you’re a manager, or in any leadership role, your state doesn’t just belong to you, it ripples out. Humans are wired for connection, and we pick up on each other’s nervous system cues, often unconsciously; it speaks to the room before you do.

A steady, grounded leader can reassure a whole team in the middle of chaos, just as a stressed, agitated leader can spread anxiety. Your nervous system affects both self, and co-regulation. This is why nervous system literacy isn’t “soft” knowledge, it’s essential. In education, teaching and in business, the way we manage our own states directly influences performance, morale, and wellbeing of those around us, not just our own, and we cannot ignore that. It’s an energy, a vibe we give off.

Simple practices to begin

Befriending the nervous system doesn’t require hours of meditation or expensive retreats. It’s more about simple, everyday choices. Don’t underestimate the simple stuff!

• Simply take notice. Perhaps the biggest, and I believe the most important, is to slow down, allow yourself to feel the feels, noting where they are in your body, what are the sensations you’re experiencing.
• Breathe with awareness. Simply lengthening the out-breath can gently invite your system back toward regulation, there’s power in a sigh.
• Offer yourself compassion. Replace criticism with curiosity. “Of course, I feel anxious, my system is protecting me, I wonder why?” You’re not overreacting, your body is loving you, keeping you safe.
• Lean on co-regulation. Reach for the people who steady you, let connection be your remedy.

These aren’t fixes, they’re invitations. Ways of reminding your body that safety is possible, even in the middle of everyday stress. Nervous system awareness, is a different kind of self-care.

Why this matters for childhood

In early years education, we talk often about co-regulation; the child finding safety through the adult’s calm presence. But how often do we apply that to ourselves, to our colleagues, to our wider relationships?

Children live in the states of the adults around them. Our nervous systems shape their sense of safety, their capacity to learn, their ability to trust. This has significant influence and impact on connection. Connection is an emotional pathway to the nervous system. Relationships with others, especially their caring adults, is fundamental in how a child views their world, and themselves in it.

When we learn that connection and co-regulation creates physiological changes inside of us, it reinforces the idea we need to get it right. We do this by starting with ourselves.

Look at the state of you – differently

So yes, look at the state of you. But not with shame or criticism. Look at the state of you with curiosity and compassion, with the understanding that your state is not a flaw to hide, but a story to listen to.

Because every time you notice, every time you pause and befriend your nervous system, you change not only your own life, but the lives of those around you.