Tuning into children’s love languages

 Several years ago I attended a conference which shared details about love languages. This changed how I view attunement and feeling loved, and also inspired me to research this area further.  

Just like some of us prefer to learn in a hands-on way while others might prefer to learn through listening, we have different ways that we like to give and receive love. Considering love as a language links with the Reggio Emilia approach in which young children are seen as learning through a hundred different languages (Edwards, Gandini and Forman, 2012). Loving is included in the poem The child is made of One Hundred and is a form of meaningful expression, however we rarely consider it within an early childhood setting. 

The love origin of languages 

The idea of love languages originated in relation to couples (Chapman, 1992) and has since been extended by Chapman and Campbell to parents/carers and school children (Chapman, and Campbell, 2012; Chapman, and Freed, 2015). Loving is organised into 5 languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Physical Touch, Receiving Gifts, and Acts of Service. 

As part of their research Chapman and Campbell asked young people how they felt loved.  They often heard responses such as: “Well, my mum tells me she loves me, but she never spends any time with me” or, “My dad plays with me but he has never hugged me…”. They suggest that if we can identify our children’s love languages and the ways that they prefer to feel loved, then we can speak the same language as them and reassure them that they are loved. The same can apply in our early childhood settings; if we consider how our children prefer to give and receive love we can build better attachments and enable them to feel safe and secure.  

Speaking a child’s love language 

If we imagine that everyone has an emotional tank which during the course of the day and our lives gets filled or emptied depending on the experiences we have and the relationships we build, Chapman and Campbell suggest, “By speaking your child’s own love language, you can fill their ‘emotional tank’ with love”, (2012, p.17). How we interact with our children, what we say and what we do can fill our children’s emotional tanks and this will lead to resilient children who have enough reserves to cope with anything the day throws at them. Although we do not always use the word love, we have a professional love for the children in our care (Page, 2011) and we want them to feel secure, loved and valued.   

Attunement 

We use the term attunement when we are ‘in tune’ with children, when we understand them, focus on their needs and respond sensitively to them. Rose and Rogers describe attunement as when a practitioner “…lets the child know his or her emotions are met with empathy, are accepted and (if appropriate) reciprocated”, (2012, p.41). Loving attunement could be summarised as using the child’s cues and signals to connect with them and engage in meaningful interactions. Identifying and speaking their love languages becomes another tool in this process (Grimmer, 2021). 

Here are some ideas of how we can identify and speak the same love language as our children: 

Words of affirmation 

We may identify if a child uses words to demonstrate their love because they will use words with us. We may hear them compliment us on our hair or clothing, or they may say “I love you”. These children will respond really well to verbal praise and encouragement. Offering words of affirmation to a child makes them feel proud, worthy and valued. So we can tell them that they are special and regularly use words of endearment and affection towards them, verbally praise their efforts by labelling the praise, for example, “Wow, I love the colours you have chosen!”, and use encouraging words, for example, “You can do it!”, or “I like the way you shared your bike with Sarah. Taking it in turns is a great way to play with a friend.” 

Quality time 

These children will want to spend time with you, they may actively seek out adult attention and want to be near you in the setting. Spending quality time with a child tells them that they are important, and that we want to spend time with them. When we recognise that a child’s love language is quality time we can plan in specific time to spend with them during the week and include them in daily activities or organise rotas to enable them to be with adults frequently. Reminiscing with them about things we have done together is also a great way of speaking this language. We can also listen and respond to their attention seeking behaviour, it means that they need more attention and their emotional tank is empty. It might be helpful to re-frame attention-seeking to attachment-seeking (Brooks, 2020) to help remind us of the need behind the behaviour. 

Physical touch 

We may notice some children want to be cuddled, hugged or held or enjoy cuddling, hugging and holding others. For example, a child who sits on your lap, holds your hand, strokes your back, or snuggles into you during a story. Offering children positive physical touch makes them feel wanted, loved and helps to build a secure attachment. All children need a basic level of physical touch. Research confirms the importance of touch within child development (APPG, 2020; Tuulari et al., 2019; Thrasher and Grossmann, 2019). Our setting’s policies and procedures should acknowledge and allow for this.  

If we notice that a child we look after craves more physical touch than others, we can use touch with them and find opportunities within our daily routine to use touch, for example, always greeting them with a hug or a high-5. We can allow them to cuddle up or sit on our lap during a story or gently squeeze their shoulder when praising them. 

 Gifts 

Many children love to give and receive gifts, and we can often find children bringing us a treasured stone or feather in the garden. This is a love token and we can reciprocate and pick a daisy or collect a special shell and offer it to them. We can also hold the child in mind and make resources specifically for them and value the ‘treasures’ that they give us, for example, put that feather on display. 

 Acts of service 

Some children like to do things for others and enjoy having things done for them, for example, even though we know they are capable of getting their own coat, they are thrilled when we offer to get it for them. We are often teaching children to be independent, however, in order to feel loved and cared for, some children want to be physically looked after through acts of service. If this resonates with one of our key children we can plan to do things specifically for them and ask them to help with tasks at several points during the day. When a child asks for help it is important to respond sensitively, understand whether their emotional tank needs refuelling, and if it does, jump in to help. 

What is our role in relation to love languages? 

As early childhood educators we try to follow each child, recognising them as unique individuals who all have different funds of knowledge, lived experiences, interests and fascinations. Linking this understanding of the child with an acknowledgement of their love languages gives us another lens with which to view the child.