How we use the word ‘secrets’ with children

I first saw a social media post considering the use of secrets with young children back in 2022. The Instagram account @educate2empower for example, often posts about topics such as consent and body safety. They say ‘I (child) should never keep secrets that make me feel bad or uncomfortable. Even if I feel threatened’ and ‘if someone asks me (child) to keep a secret that makes me feel bad or unsafe, I must tell an adult on my Safety Network straight away’.

Whilst this is a hugely important piece of advice of course, when we are talking about children in early childhood, especially our youngest, I would argue that expecting them to understand what makes them feel ‘bad’ or ‘uncomfortable’ is an extremely complex emotion and is often completely abstract to them. Therefore, I have been unable to stop asking myself the question – is it really the right approach?

How do we use the word secrets?

Firstly, let’s consider how secrets are often used with children. Secrets can form part of a game or be encouraged in a more fun sense between adults and children as well as amongst their peers. We may find ourselves saying phrases such as; ‘shush it is a secret, it needs be a surprise so don’t tell (insert name here)’, for example.

Consider this: could the positive spin placed on this situation, even unintentionally, give children the perception that sharing a secret may hurt/upset said person or ‘spoil’ the surprise. Both these emotions are negative and are also likely to be emotions the children may be able to recognise and relate to.

When we reflect through the lens of child protection/safeguarding – (whichever term you are familiar with,) I would argue the use of secrets in play, as a game or as a surprise also makes it more likely that children could view the sharing of secrets as potentially harmful and therefore it could risk children who are vulnerable, or already in dangerous or unsafe situations, feeling like they cannot share their thoughts, feelings and experiences with anyone else. This is something I have unfortunately experienced first-hand during my career, children seeming reluctant to share their thoughts, feelings or experiences, or make disclosures to you for example. Comments have included ‘what if I don’t want to tell anyone?’ or ‘(adult name) told me it has to be a secret because if I tell anyone (adult name) will be taken away forever’.

The latter example demonstrates to me exactly how the toxic connotations to, and use of, the word ‘secret(s)’ means I believe we should be moving away from using it with children, especially in a professional capacity and in early childhood settings.

Legal duty and moral obligation

During most child protection/safeguarding training you will likely be told of the importance of not promising children that you will not share what they have told you, or when a child makes a specific disclosure it is vital you do not agree or suggest that this could remain confidential, even if a child asks you to. I acknowledge this can feel challenging because the child has shared this information with you in a position of trust however, our legal duty and moral obligation to protect children from harm supersedes this and means we must share any information with the appropriate people as soon as possible. It is also important to recognise at this point that it is a balance and whilst yes information cannot remain completely confidential, equally it should only be shared on a need-to-know basis. There is no agreed list of which adults this includes and instead it is down to your own judgement to decide.

In the next article on secrets, I will consider the use of language with children who are impacted by adverse childhood experiences and/or who may be part of a child protection situation and provide examples of words and phrases which could be used instead.